


What If, What If, What If

by jupiter_james



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Coming Out, Football!Shepard, Frottage, Glasses!Kaidan, High School AU, M/M, Oral Sex, almost-friends with benefits, yes they're both 18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2015-11-11
Packaged: 2018-05-01 01:47:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5187500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jupiter_james/pseuds/jupiter_james
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John Shepard and Kaidan Alenko are childhood friends who have drifted apart over the years. By their senior year in high school, they're barely even speaking to one another in public. But in private... there are much more than words between them.</p><p> </p><p>  <b>This oneshot is based off of <a href="http://ank-shey.tumblr.com/post/132418282300/ugh-what-a-dweeb">this beautiful art of a young John Shepard</a> drawn by the effervescent <a href="http://ank-shey.tumblr.com/">Ank-shey</a> on Tumblr.</b></p>
            </blockquote>





	What If, What If, What If

**Author's Note:**

> The incredible [Ank-shey](http://http://ank-shey.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr somehow fancies herself a fan of mine. And I'm a fan of hers! So I wrote her this dirty fic based off of her art (link posted in the summary above). Please check out her glorious stuff. You won't be sorry, especially if you're a Kaidan lover.

He'd almost made it all the way through senior year without having to deal with guys like _him_ more than necessary. Not that the school hadn't tried to force the cliques to intermingle. The drama club, band, and chorus all had required attendance for at least one of their shows. Art exhibits granted extra credit points. Pep rallies were mandatory. And despite enjoying the music and theater departments more than sports, Kaidan Alenko preferred the pep rallies to any other required activity. There he didn't waste his time in the darkness and silence. He'd sit near the top of the stadium bleachers in the bright sunlight, reading whatever novel was on the docket for the next test, or getting ahead on his homework. Ignored the cheering and screaming and chest thumping of whichever sports team was going to the nationals, or wherever. His only exception was the girls varsity soccer team. Two of his friends, Ashley Williams, and Tali nar Rayya were a hell of show on the field. Ashley would probably go pro someday.

But today? Another afternoon of cancelled electives, and another screaming salute to... which team? Kaidan couldn't even remember at this point.

He trudged up the bleachers behind swaths of his classmates, the crowds thinning the higher he got. With a yawn, he stretched his arms over his head and collapsed onto the top level of metal seats, right in the shade. The weather was rapidly cooling in a rush towards winter, but the bright sun didn't do him any favors. He rubbed his temples, slightly concerned at the dull throb in his skull that he hoped wouldn't work itself into another migraine. He'd had a hell of one the night before, and the lingering headache leftover couldn't hold a candle to the crippling pain he'd fended off for hours until midnight, but with enough provocation, the embers could certainly stoke back to a fire.

"Long night?" Tali asked, sliding down beside him and pulling her DS and headphones out of her backpack. She only cared for the soccer teams herself. Ashley, on the other hand, was down in the front row ready to cheer her head off.

"Yeah," Kaidan answered, for once not interesting in cracking open a book for a little while. His eyes needed a few minutes of rest. "Migraine kept me up forever."

"Ouch," she winced sympathetically and tugged the purple scarf wrapped around her dark hair further down to block the glare from the sun. "You could have got a note from the nurse and been able to skip this useless parade."

Kaidan groaned lightly. "I hate going in there unless I have to. It smells like hand sanitizer and makes me wanna gag."

Tali giggled. "Gross. Did you bring your noise cancelling headphones, at least to cut down the roar? I think I have mine you can borrow."

Kaidan dug around in his bag and found them, thankfully. And still attached to his iPod. Bonus. "So, who are we faking orgasms for today?"

"Football. Homecoming game is this weekend, remember?"

"Hurray," Kaidan said in monotone. "I've heard the team is great this year, though."

"'Cause of Shepard."

"Who?"

Tali pointed down the field where the players were congregating before being announced to rapturous applause. Kaidan put on his glasses, squinting into the sun until he could make out the quarterback. The lean, tall guy turned, grinning and clapping his buddies on the back.

"Oh." The sound slipped out before Kaidan could stop it. Of course he knew Shepard.

Tali turned towards him with interest at his tone. "You _know_ him?" She asked, accent deepening with curiosity and something else that made Kaidan a little uncomfortable.

"He's failing chemistry," Kaidan answered quickly, slapping his headphones on and turning his attention resolutely down to his iPod.

"I'll bet," Tali said keenly, now very much focused on the jock. Kaidan ignored her and she ignored everyone else except for Shepard.

At least by the end of the pep rally, Kaidan had knocked out a few more math problems for his homework when he felt better. He packed his books away as the crowds started to disperse, tucked his iPod back into his bag.

"Wanna go get some doughnuts after school?" Tali asked, slinging her bag over her shoulder.

"Tutoring today," Kaidan said, shrugging like, _what are you gonna do_?

"Tomorrow then?"

"You got it." They filed down the concrete steps, back to classes. Kaidan sighed with relief being out of the sun as his headache eased up fully. "See you tomorrow," he said to Tali as they split off at the stairwell. 

Kaidan paused at one of the dozen notice boards spread around the school. A poster with bold, white font announced Homecoming amidst the black and red school colors. Kaidan huffed at it and returned to class.

***

At 4:15 on the dot he parked his car on the curb in front of a large, sunny yellow, cookie-cutter house, then jogged up the professionally manicured lawn to the front door after retrieving his backpack.

Hannah Shepard answered it a few seconds later with a warm smile. "Come on in, Kaidan," she said, motioning for him to come inside. Closing the door behind her, she continued, "John's up in his room, probably playing video games instead of doing his homework."

"He did pretty good on the last quiz," Kaidan answered automatically, startled a little at the quick zing of defensiveness that had caused him to defend the guy.

"That's good," Hannah sighed. "His grades have been improving all around, thanks to you."

Kaidan shook his head. "It's nothing, really. He's smart. Guess he just needed a different approach to things."

She beamed at him. "What would that boy do without you?"

He honestly had no idea how to answer that. He shrugged and scratched his nose.

"Better get to it, then," Hannah said. "You staying for dinner?"

She asked every time, and Kaidan always said, "no, thank you. I've still got a lot of homework after this." He couldn't imagine sitting at the dining table for an hour or more making small talk with Shepard and his mother.

"Well, tell your mom and dad brunch is still on for Sunday. You should come too, if you like. John'll probably sleep until noon if he's left to his own devices, but you could probably inspire him to be a little less lazy."

 _I highly doubt that._ "Sure," he said. 

Hannah patted his arm. "Find me when you're done. I'll have your check ready."

Kaidan thanked her again and took the stairs two at a time. Didn't bother knocking on Shepard's door. And sure enough, he found the quarterback lounging on his bed, a lollipop hanging partially out of his mouth, gaming laptop on his thighs. "Hey, K," he said thickly around the candy.

"What are you playing?" Kaidan asked, closing the door behind him and shedding his backpack and hoodie. He toed his sneakers off before sitting next to Shepard.

"New Fallout. You have it yet?"

"Waiting until this weekend," Kaidan said, leaning closer to peer at the screen. "Graphics look amazing."

"It's awesome." They sat in silence for a few more minutes before Shepard cursed, died, and then slammed the laptop closed. "Fuck it." He twisted around to set the laptop down on his desk, tossed his mostly finished lollipop into the trashcan, and then laid down flat on his pillow. "C'mere," he said softly, tilting his chin up.

"We have a test on Monday," Kaidan said, just as softly.

"Can't I have the reward before the work every now and then?"

This close, Kaidan could smell the raspberry on Shepard's breath from the candy and they both knew John would always get his way. That's how they fell into this mess in the first place. Wordlessly, Kaidan closed the space between them and kissed the stickiness off of Shepard's lips. He didn't even _like_ raspberries. But he definitely liked them this way. Especially when a reedy whine started in Shepard's throat as he arched his neck towards the kiss. His hands came up on either side of Kaidan's head, tugging at the curls before slipping his glasses off and blindly shoving them towards the desk.

Kaidan scooted closer, angling himself over Shepard's hips without breaking the kiss. Shepard would have to do that if he wanted to come up for air because it was never Kaidan. Never.

But he didn't. He parted his lips, flicking his tongue out quickly past Kaidan's teeth to make him follow. Because he would. He always did. Nearly every Monday and Thursday. Just like this. Slotted together perfectly. Hip to hip, unbreakingly touching and kissing - _tasting_ \- until they were both hard in their jeans. Kaidan grinding down while Shepard thrust up, rutting against each other in perfect synchronicity that they'd found a week after Kaidan's eighteenth birthday when he'd started tutoring Shepard. Getting reacquainted after the typical elementary school friendship of two kids growing up in the same neighborhood had faded into nothing by middle school. Shepard had joined the lacrosse team before discovering football, and Kaidan had favored volleyball until a knee injury sent him to the bench and then to the chess club. He'd been branded too much of a nerd by then to have reasonably been seen with the "cool kids." Middle school was brutal like that. And maybe high school was, too. Wasn't like they even talked to each other in public. Then again, they were both to blame for that by now. Too comfortable with the status quo and too uncomfortable with the uncertainty of the future.

For now, though? Kaidan was fine. Damn fine. Shepard's strong, talented hands popped the buttons on both their jeans, working them both free of the slits in their boxers so that they were touching skin to skin. That was Kaidan's cue to sit up and brace his left hand on Shepard's chest; right hand wrapping around the heavy flesh of the quarterback's dick to give him a long even stroke up to the tip. Shepard's brilliant blue eyes slipped shut and his lips parted on a short gasp/hiccup as he tried to breathe in and out at the same time. Kaidan could feel Shepard's breath stutter and tremble in his chest as his brows knit together in deep concentration. His tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip. Then he caught his lip between his teeth.

Kaidan enjoyed the sight of Shepard losing himself like this. They'd never actually had _sex_ per se, but the grinding and hand jobs never failed to please just as much. Kaidan slipped his left hand up over Shepard's faded black Henley to trace over his flushed cheeks, into his sweat-dampened brown hair. Now was his favorite part. The part that made his chest burn. Shepard came forcefully, his whole body tensing, neck taut with a soft growl. His come splashed up over his chest, darkening his shirt. A tiny amount even hit the bottom of his chin and Kaidan shuddered. He milked the quarterback for everything he had until Shepard was squirming under him, cursing, and gasping, " _ah_ , Kaidan, _fuck_ , Kaidan!" He grappled at Kaidan's ass, yanking him up with arms that were too sated to be entirely useful. "Now. get up here _now_ , dammit."

Kaidan obeyed. He lifted his hips. Walked on his knees to either side of Shepard. Shepard raised his shoulders until his mouth was level with Kaidan's dick. His fingers grabbed the waistband of Kaidan's jeans in a white knuckled grip while he kissed the head of Kaidan's cock, licking off the precome before sucking him into his hot mouth as far as he could. Kaidan clenched his fist tighter in Shepard's hair. His right hand wandered down to his dick. He pumped himself at the base where Shepard couldn't fit him in.

The heat, the sound of his breath sawing in and out of his lungs, Shepard's deep moans, always got him right to the edge. Threw him over in no time. But today, Shepard did something entirely different. Instead of keeping his eyes closed like he was removing himself from Kaidan to concentrate on just the pleasure, his blue, blue eyes opened. Locked right onto Kaidan above him. Kaidan's hips stuttered. Shepard winked. At the same time, he breathed in deeply and sucked Kaidan into his mouth further than he'd ever done before. Almost to the root. His eyes watered with the effort not to choke, but it was plenty.

" _Ah_ ," was all Kaidan managed before he bucked and came, jerking backwards so that he spilled half in Shepard's mouth and half on his abused lips. It was the most amazing thing he'd ever seen. And the fire that scorched through his veins thrilled him. Well, it _was_ the most amazing thing he'd ever seen until Shepard _grinned_ at him, looking totally wrecked.

They barely talked while they cleaned themselves up. Shepard changed his shirt while Kaidan watched his back muscles flex as he reached over his head. He hated how gorgeous Shepard looked. Then Shepard went to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth. Kaidan sat down at the desk to arrange their notes. But he struggled every second for the next hour to focus on teaching the quarterback what he needed to know. By the end of it, he was exhausted as he collected his books and notes.

"Homecoming is this weekend," Shepard said, having returned to playing his game on the bed.

"So?"

A long pause. Kaidan glanced up to find Shepard staring at him. "You're going aren't you?"

"No," Kaidan answered. "Why would I bother?"

"Well, I thought..." his eyes slid away back to the computer screen, unseeing.

Kaidan zipped his backpack and sat up straight. "You thought what?"

Shepard rubbed the back of his neck. "I thought we could maybe... go together. You know. As a group... thing. You and me and Ash and whoever you're taking. Tali?"

"For fuck's sake," Kaidan bit out.

"What?" Shepard retorted, eyes narrowing.

"Nothing."

"It's not nothing when you swear at me. I've heard you curse maybe twice in your life."

"I'm not going." He grabbed his shoes and stuffed his feet into them moodily.

"Why the hell not?"

"Because I don't want to!" Kaidan said much louder than he'd intended.

Shepard shoved his laptop aside and scooted off the bed. He reached out to Kaidan, but didn't touch him. "Why are you so angry?"

Kaidan scrubbed a hand through his hair, catching some knots in the curls. "I'm not really _angry_. I'm just... I dunno. Why are you asking me to go with you and your girlfriend to the dance?"

"Because it's fun. Especially since Ash isn't my girlfriend. Not really."

Kaidan shook his head. "That's not fun for me. None of it is fun for me." A warm hand settled on his arm.

"You'd rather stay home by yourself and play video games all weekend?"

 _If it means not seeing you with Ashley Williams, then yes._ "I already have plans. Sorry. I'm... whatever. I'm sorry. See you later, Shepard. Have fun at the dance. Good luck at the game." He tugged on his hoodie and shouldered his backpack before he swallowed his tongue trying to excuse himself. He opened the bedroom door and left. Shepard didn't follow him. He forgot to pick up his tutoring fees from Hannah.

***

In the end, Kaidan kept his promise to stay home from the game and the subsequent dance. He did exactly what Shepard had accused him of, and played video games from Friday night until Sunday morning. His dad forced him to go to brunch after not having seen his son emerge from his room except to eat dinner.

"Kaidan, you look really tired," Hannah Shepard said, serving him roasted potatoes and a large helping of scrambled eggs with cheese and bacon. "Did you stay out really late after the dance last night?"

"He didn't go," Mrs. Alenko said at the same time Kaidan said, "I didn't go," and John added, "he didn't go."

Hannah's blue eyes – same as her son's – opened wider. "Why not? I thought you and John would have gone together."

Kaidan wanted nothing more than to disappear under the table. Why had he agreed to come to brunch at the Shepard household? Oh, yeah. Because his father had refused to turn the WiFi back on until social quotas had been met.

"Would have been nice," John said, his gaze unwavering on Kaidan. "I asked him, but he said he had plans. I could have used him there. Ashely abandoned me for James Vega."

Hannah laughed. "Of course she did! You haven't shown her enough interest. No one would wait forever!"

Still staring straight at Kaidan, John smirked slowly. "I'm not interested in her romantically. She knows that."

Kaidan blinked. Mr. Alenko patted his son's back. "You wouldn't happen to know who my son was trying to avoid asking out, would you? Did that Tali girl have another date?"

"Garrus Vakarian," Shepard said immediately.

Kaidan rolled his eyes. "I've never had a crush on her," he said. Shepard's smirk grew.

"Why not?" Mrs. Alenko pressed. "She's a lovely young woman."

"I don't like anyone," Kaidan insisted, but Shepard's words overcame his because they were _far_ more interesting. "He likes someone else."

That stopped all conversation. The adults stared at Shepard. Then at Kaidan. Kaidan thought his heart might explode, though he didn't know what caused the sudden panic. He didn't even know what Shepard was going to say. Not until Mrs. Alenko asked, "oh, _really_? This is news to me. Who is it?"

The moment Kaidan opened his mouth to save himself by shouting, "no one, Mom!" his voice abandoned him. He didn't know what Shepard was going to _say_.

"Me," Shepard said.

Silence. So much silence. A long drag of silence that Mr. Alenko relieved everyone by breaking when he asked, "really?"

"Is that true?" Mrs. Alenko followed up.

"My goodness," Hannah said, looking between John and Kaidan. "Well... you _have_ known each other since you were five."

"Is it true?" Mrs. Alenko repeated.

Not taking his eyes off of Shepard, ready to cry if he did, Kaidan said, "yes."

Shepard's smirk eased into a genuine smile.

"Good for you both," Mr. Alenko said. 

They somehow finished brunch. Kaidan thought everything tasted like dirt.

***

When it was polite to do so, Kaidan excused himself and Shepard from the table, dragging the quarterback upstairs and away from the pleasant conversation and clinking of silverware. He slammed the bedroom door. "How _could_ you?" he demanded, voice thick.

Shepard held up his hands in a placating gesture. "Because it's true."

"In front of our _parents_!" Kaidan raged. "In front of our fucking _parents_ , Shepard! Why?"

"I already told you why. You could have denied it if you wanted to."

"Oh, yeah? I could have?! How? You put me on the spot!"

"So what?" Shepard demanded, stepping back and putting distance between them. "What's so bad about us being together?"

"Are you _serious_? How about we haven't been friends for years? What do we have in common besides gaming? What food do I like best? What's my favorite color? My best subject? My _phone number_ , for that matter?"

Shepard shrugged and ducked his head, contrite. "Why can't you tell me?" he muttered petulantly.

Kaidan lurched forward and got right in John's face. In a dangerously low tone he said, "where are you going to college, Shepard?"

His head shot up. "Why? What difference does that make?"

"All the difference in the world," Kaidan said, body shaking as much as his voice. "It's the whole _point_. Why would I go out with someone when it'll just end in a few more months when we move to different cities? Probably different states? I can't do that, Shepard. Not with you." He balled his fists, pressing them against his closed eyes until he saw stars. "What's... what's gonna happen to us? Why did you make me admit it? Why'd you have to do that? It could have stayed and we could have been fine."

"I didn't mean to make you cry," Shepard said desperately, wrapping his arms around Kaidan's stiff shoulders. He pulled him close. "Please don't cry." But it didn't help. Kaidan cried. Cried until he tired himself out completely. His head ached. And Shepard just stood there holding him. He ignored the drying salty tears on his shirt. "Where are you going to college, Kaidan?" he asked against his tear-crusty cheek.

"Georgia Tech," Kaidan croaked brokenly. "It's so far away, but I wanna be an engineer."

"I'll come with you," Shepard said.

"But you f-failed chemistry," Kaidan crumbled against him, crying again miserably. 

Shepard laughed. Kissed Kaidan all over his face. Laughed more. "I haven't yet. There's plenty of time to save my grade! I have the best tutor there is, don't I? I'm fine in every other subject. I can go with you. I want to. I'll go with you, Kaidan."

Kaidan sniffled. Rubbed his aching eyes on the front of Shepard's shirt. "You can't just come with me like that," Kaidan insisted. "It's your future we're talking about. You can't just pick a college because I'm going there."

Shepard leveled him with a dubious expression. "I'm planning to major in business and play football. I can do that anywhere. I've got a dozen scholarship offers already."

"Shepard-"

Shepard kissed him. Kissed away the salt. Kissed away the protest. Kept at it until Kaidan relaxed against him and responded with his mouth doing something better than arguing. When they pulled apart, Shepard rested his forehead against Kaidan's softly. Closed his eyes. "Jesus, Kaidan, don't you know I've been in love with you since forever? You never let me say anything," he whispered.

"I didn't want you to," Kaidan answered. "I didn't know what to do with you. When we drifted apart... I thought it was better. I didn't care for the jocks and meatheads you hung out with. And... it was hard enough thinking about going half way across the country without this on top of it."

"Too bad. I'm going with you now. Hurrah. Go... uh... what's their mascot?"

Kaidan chuckled wetly. "Yellow Jackets."

"Go Jackets."

"Whatever."

"I love you, Kaidan. I _love_ you."

Kaidan breathed out. It felt like forever since he'd done it properly. "I know," he said.


End file.
